Happy Birthday, Shepard!
by leggywillow
Summary: Kelly has decided to throw Shepard a surprise birthday party. An absurd one-shot about some shenanigans on the Normandy. Not romance-focused but there's Shepard/Garrus and Shepard/Kaidan. T for some language.


_(DISCLAIMER: Bioware owns everything, not me!)_

"He's coming up fast on your six!"

"Damn it! Do you have a shot?"

"… I missed!"

"NO, NO, NO! Son of a _bitch_!"

Jeff Moreau threw up his hands angrily, letting his controller slip to the floor of the _Normandy SR2_'s cockpit. The varren sleeping on the floor by his feet cast him a resentful look, but Joker ignored Urz. He glared at the holoscreen in front of him for a moment before turning his wrath to the turian sitting in the co-pilot's chair.

"How did you miss that shot?" Joker accused.

Garrus's mandibles flared in irritation. "Whenever I try to get a clear shot on that guy, he seems to disappear. I swear he must be hacking or using a VI."

"What's his gamer profile?"

"Infiltrait0rN7."

"Remember that shit so we can report him. He has to be cheating. There's no way this guy could have killed us _each_ forty times this round. Plus he's camping." Joker grumbled as he and Garrus started up another round.

An amused voice sounded from directly in-between the two males: "It sounds like both of you are sore losers."

Garrus and Joker both jumped in shock as Kasumi seemed to materialize out of nowhere. In the game, Infiltrait0rN7 took the opportunity to snipe both of them in the head. Urz made a "whuff" sound and nudged the thief's legs. Kasumi indulged him by reaching down to scratch his chin.

"How long have you been standing there?" Garrus asked

"Long enough to know I don't want either of you on my team next time I feel like playing _N7 Code of Honor_."

"Aren't you supposed to be out with Shepard?" Joker asked pointedly, his patience tested by both his infuriating opponent and the petite Japanese woman.

"She took Miranda and Jack with her instead. Something about looking for biotic amplifiers for human armor. I'm not crazy enough to be anywhere near those two when they're forced to be in the same room." Kasumi said, shaking her head.

"Did Jacob go?"

"He isn't crazy either. I think he'd rather go into battle completely naked than go on a shopping trip with Miranda and Jack. And he'd _still_ probably live longer."

Joker snickered. "Biotic armor amplifiers for those two? _What_ armor?"

"I think the whole thing is a vain attempt to get them to wear armor in the first place. Or maybe Shepard's hoping they can bond over their shared hatred for the stuff… at least enough not to be openly homicidal anymore. Anyone want to take bets on how badly Shepard fails?" Kasumi said brightly.

"Ten credits says they come back empty-handed and that someone will be injured," Joker said.

Garrus frowned at both of them, and Kasumi poked his side amicably.

"Lighten up, Garrus. That Infiltrait0r guy is gone; maybe you guys can stop losing now."

A few seconds passed silently. Joker and Garrus focused on the game at hand while Urz napped, but Kasumi wasn't quiet for more than a minute before the interrupted them again.

"So did you guys get Shep a birthday present? I know Kelly said we didn't have to, but—"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Joker asked distractedly.

"For the party tomorrow." Garrus put in helpfully.

"What party?"

Kasumi and Garrus both looked at Joker incredulously. "Tomorrow is the big surprise party for the Commander, remember? Kelly's been planning it for ages."

Joker gave both of them a blank look.

"How could you possibly miss this? Kelly's been sending out five emails a day about it for the last three weeks." Garrus's mandibles twitched.

Joker had the decency to look a bit guilty. "Um… Kelly's emails go straight to my junk mail."

Now it was Garrus's turn to snicker.

"Look, I got tired of reading her daily inspirational quote emails for 'keeping up morale'! I couldn't stand seeing one more picture of a baby varren saying 'I can haz vorcha-burger?' You can't expect me to put with that," Joker said defensively.

Urz opened one large purple eye and growled at the pilot.

Joker pointed a finger at the varren. "I don't care if the commander thought you were cute enough to drag along with us. LOLvarren aren't funny."

Kasumi rolled her eyes. "Anyway, now you know. Tali and yours truly will be taking Shepard out to distract her while Kelly sets things up."

The little thief stretched, raising her arms over her head. "And try to be a _little_ enthusiastic for Kelly's sake. Shep won't care, but you know Kelly. She'll cry if she doesn't think everyone loves it. Follow Grunt's example."

Garrus and Joker exchanged glances. "…_Grunt_?" Garrus asked incredulously.

Kasumi frowned. "Yeah, he's very excited about it. He says it's about time we paid 'proper homage to the battlemaster', and now he's been gone all day. He's up to something, which is… worrying."

Any further discussion was cut short by the sound of the airlock opening. A battered yet victorious Commander Shepard appeared, followed closely by Miranda and Jack. The other two women looked a bit guilty, quietly slinking away to their quarters without a word to Garrus, Joker, and Kasumi.

Delta Shepard watched them go with a satisfied smile before turning to the group in the cockpit. Urz leapt up with a happy snuffling sound and raced to his master's side, weaving his head from side to side with joy.

"Oh, there's my good boy! Did you miss me, Urz-y? I missed you, yes I did." Shepard cooed to the varren before addressing the cockpit. "What's going on? You guys aren't playing videogames in here again, are you? I told you to take it to the mess hall's holoscreen."

Joker tried edge his controller out of her line of sight. "No, we weren't."

Garrus opted to change the subject. "Was your trip successful?"

Shepard beamed. "Yes! I got Miranda to buy a set of armor! It's not quite as substantial as I wanted, but if it gets her out of that spandex, I'm happy."

Joker groaned as Kasumi held out her hand for her ten credits.

"Did Jack get anything?"

"No. She just made comments about how fat Miranda's ass looked."

"What happened to your cheek?" Garrus interrupted, pointing to a large bruise blossoming across Shepard's right cheekbone. Thanks to Shepard's frighteningly fast healing, it looked several days old already.

"Oh, that. After Jack insulted her ass, Miranda told Jack she looked like a boy, so Jack decided to throw a chair. I intercepted."

"With your _face_?" Garrus said disapprovingly.

Shepard crossed over to the co-pilot's chair and gently brushed the turian's face with her fingers, tracing the extensive scar tissue that marred it. "I learned from the best, Vakarian," She said softly.

"Good point," Garrus said wryly, reaching up to gently cover her hand with his talons.

This tender moment was interrupted by Joker shouting: "A-HA! I was half-right; someone got injured! I want half those credits back, Kasumi!"

* * *

The Normandy was bustling on the day of Shepard's surprise party. Kasumi and Tali had coaxed Shepard out of the ship to do some more shopping ("Maybe something girly, like high-impact ammunition!" Kasumi had said cheerfully).

As soon as Shepard's shore party departed, Yeoman Chambers had become a veritable force of nature. She barked out orders and whirled around like a small hurricane, leaving streamers and decorations in her wake.

Most of the crew was taking her orders, running out to purchase last-minute supplies, cleaning, or decorating. The others were mostly trying to avoid her. Miranda had been holed up in her office all day under supposed "mountains of paperwork", while Mordin apparently had some very finicky experiments he couldn't leave alone for even a moment. Jack had simply told Kelly to 'fuck off' when the yeoman approached her with a bag of balloons to inflate.

Jacob and Joker found themselves on balloon duty after Thane's webbed fingers proved too clumsy to tie off balloons. Garrus had succeeded in popping around two-dozen with his sharp talons before Kelly shooed him away.

"I never knew Thane was such a dirty rotten liar. The guy is a crazy dexterous assassin but balloons are his weakness? I don't buy it," Joker grumbled.

"Eh, you're just mad you haven't thought up any good excuses yet," Zaeed said.

Zaeed had refused to help at all in his typical uncooperative fashion, but he still insisted on plunking down in the thick of everything with a flask of whiskey, as if to make sure everyone knew he was being particularly lazy.

"I have an excuse! My bones are made of glass, remember? And I still got put on damn balloon duty. Argh! Sorry!" In his agitation, Joker let go of a freshly inflated balloon, which flew into Jacob's face with some force.

"No problem," Jacob said through gritted teeth, rubbing his temples. It was hard to be the unflappable one on the squad, especially on a day like today when everyone seemed to trying to get him to snap.

Zaeed chuckled a bit wickedly and poured some whiskey into Urz's water dish. The varren lapped it up eagerly and laid his head on the old mercenary's lap, sending viscous drool dripping down Zaeed's pant leg.

Legion stood nearby and watched Garrus and Thane struggle to hang up an extremely large banner that read "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SHEPARD!"

"Your banner is 3/8 of an inch higher on the right side," The Geth put in helpfully. They ignored him.

Samara entered the mess hall, carefully holding a large parcel in front of her. She looked very miffed. "Oh, yay! You got the cakes!" Kelly said cheerfully.

Samara set down her burden and stepped back, looking quite uncomfortable. "Yes. I retrieved your dessert," She said flatly before leaving the room without another word. Only those who knew her well could have heard the note of disapproval in her voice at being sent on such a trivial mission.

Jacob raised both eyebrows. "You sent an asari matriarch and Justicar to pick up a cake from the bakery?"

Kelly looked worried. "Well, getting a cake seems like a mom-like thing to do, and she is a matriarch and all. And a mom herself, right?"

"Somehow I can't picture Samara getting birthday cakes for Morinth," Garrus muttered to Thane in an undertone, and a ghost of a smile flashed across the drell's face.

Kelly shook off her discomfort and opened the package. There were two cakes inside. One was very large and covered with flowers made of frosting, while the other was very small and plain. "I got one that's safe for you and Tali to eat too, Garrus!" Kelly chirped happily.

Kelly began to stick candles in the cake. The aliens present watched with interest. "You're going to set it on fire?" Garrus asked. Kelly only laughed in response.

The yeoman wavered after putting in the 29th candle. "Um… so is Shepard turning 30 or 32? I mean, I guess she's 31 but then she was 29 when… she… um..." Kelly tapered uncertainly.

Everyone stared blankly around at each other until Kelly finally opted to put 31 candles on the cake instead. ("Split the difference, right?") Joker rolled his eyes.

Suddenly Kasumi appeared in the room, slipping in unnoticed. "She's almost here! Tali is stalling her outside."

Kelly squealed with excitement. "Get everyone in place!"

Kelly shooed and bullied the crew into half-hearted hiding places and even mustered up all of her courage to harass Jack until the angry woman slunk reluctantly into the mess hall. "Everyone ready?" The bouncy little yeoman asked excitedly, flicking off the light switch.

For a moment everything was quiet.

"Legion?"

"Yes."

"Could you turn off your… um… face?"

Before the Geth could verbalize his response to this, Delta Shepard and Tali'Zorah entered the mess hall. Kelly flicked the lights back on and shrieked "SURPRISE!" directly into the commander's ear. "Gah!" Shepard responded.

"Surprise!" The rest of the crew echoed with varying levels of enthusiasm.

Shepard grinned, but Urz did not take to the noise quite so well. The startled varren leapt to his feet with a howl and tried to leap over the table to reach his master's side. Zaeed snatched his whiskey out of the way just in time but did nothing to stop the varren from landing squarely in the middle of the birthday cake.

Kelly looked horrified, but Shepard laughed. She approached the varren and began to wipe the frosting off his face. Urz shook with happiness and covered his master in sugary drool.

"Bad Urz!" Kelly admonished the varren. "Whuff?" Urz responded.

"It's okay, I don't mind. Thanks for this, guys. I really appreciate it. I didn't think anyone would remember," Shepard addressed her friends fondly.

Dr. Chakwas had ducked into her office after the cake debacle and now returned with her arms full of clanking bottles. "Well, if there's no birthday cake, we'll simply have to make do with birthday liquor instead."

"Hear, hear!" Zaeed thumped his fist on the table.

With the addition of Dr. Chakwas's extensive private reserves, the cake was quickly forgotten.

* * *

"No one has ever thrown me a birthday party before."

The party had mostly died down, with some of the more distant crew returning to their posts or going to sleep off the alcohol. Garrus and Delta sat close to each other on one of the long table benches. Shepard had enjoyed exactly the right amount of top-shelf vodka and now watched Garrus pick at a slice of dextro-cake with tipsy contentment.

"Me neither," Garrus said. "Then again, we turians don't celebrate individual birthdays much. I gathered that it's a big deal for humans, though. I've never seen Kelly throw herself at something with such determination."

Shepard rested her chin in her hand. "I'll throw you a birthday party, Garrus. It'll be the best party for the best turian ever. We can invite evvvvverrrerybody and maybe go shoot things."

"You're drunk."

"_You're_ drunk. Or maybe I can throw you a private party later, hmm? I can borrow Kelly's stripper outfit; I know she has one."

Garrus made a face. "I'd rather you didn't borrow anything of hers."

Shepard giggled and then snorted before loudly whispering to Garrus conspiratorially: "I'd rather be naked anyway."

"Argh! I'm right here!" Joker yelled from the across the table, covering his ears.

Tali broke down in a fit of giggles next to him, and Shepard noticed that she was wearing Joker's hat.

Kelly reappeared. "Time for presents!" She announced, waving around a package wrapped in bright paper.

"I think you'll get a lot of use out of it," Kelly said, giving Shepard a large stage wink.

Shepard ripped open the package and blushed scarlet. "Thanks, Kelly," She muttered before trying to slip the gift out of sight. Joker snatched it out of her hands. "It's a book. _How to Be Like Kirk: Interspecies Sex for the Rest of Us_. Oh my God." Joker seemed torn between discomfort and intense curiosity.

"Okay, so it's my turn," Garrus said loudly.

Shepard gasped excitedly. "A custom Kuwashii visor! It's just like yours! Oh man, that's awesome… does it have the X720 biofeedback monitors? Oh my God, _it does_!"

Joker made a face at Garrus. "So you and your girlfriend can have matching combat scanner visors now? That's, like… ridiculous. You're gonna be one of those couples who dresses alike everywhere you go… except no one will laugh at you because you'll snipe them in the head before they even see you," He slurred thoughtfully.

"Thanks, everyone. This has been a really special day," Shepard said.

Legion spoke up. ""Day" is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable."

Shepard raised an eyebrow at the Geth.

"…We did not get you anything, Shepard-Commander." Legion said.

Suddenly, Grunt appeared. He had been quiet the entire party before slipping out some time ago.

"Battlemaster!" He roared, causing everyone to jump.

Grunt walked towards her with great ceremony and fell to one knee in front of her, lowering his head. "You are my battlemaster. We have fought the most glorious foes the universe has seen fit to create, and you remain unmatched. It is my greatest honor to kill for you. May your enemies scream as you tear them into pieces! May we feast on the tears they weep!"

Most of the room stared at Grunt in slack-jawed disbelief at this disturbing praise.

Grunt rose and backed away, heading towards a large box he had stowed beneath a table. "I know others have offered material gifts in tribute to you, but I honored you in glorious battle. This day, I went forth and sought out our enemies. Seventeen mercenaries fell this day for your glory."

"Keelah! We heard that on the news," Tali whispered.

Grunt opened the box and, with a triumphant and slightly maniacal grin, presented a human spine that had been freshly removed from its owner.

Kelly shrieked and covered her mouth. Kasumi and Joker looked nauseous.

"Even I think that's fucked up," Jack commented.

Grunt held the spine in both hands and presented it to Shepard.

"Don't touch it, don't touch it!" Joker hissed.

Reluctantly, Shepard reached out and took the spine in one hand. She bared her teeth in what she hoped resembled a smile. "Erm… thank you, Grunt. This is really… something. I'm going to… put it… somewhere. Thanks."

The party quickly dissipated after that. There's nothing like waving around fresh body parts to kill a celebratory mood. If Grunt noticed that he killed the party, he did not care. In fact, the young krogan had never looked prouder of himself.

* * *

Shepard was tired but content when she returned to her cabin. The effects of the alcohol were slowly wearing off, and she was quite pleased with herself for not overdoing it. In her arms she carried most of her birthday presents, except for the human spine, which she kicked along the floor inside its box. She had no idea what to do with it. The last thing she wanted was to offend Grunt. Maybe she would just hide it somewhere and only bring it out if he came up to her cabin; there had to be a compartment someplace where it could be hidden hygienically. She'd have to ask EDI…

"Some people get ugly sweaters, I get sacrificial murders and body parts," She sighed.

Shepard set the rest of her gifts down on her desk. She started to stash Kelly's book away in a drawer but hesitated and hid it in her bedside table instead for later reading. That's when she noticed the smallish flower arrangement sitting on her coffee table.

It was a beautiful arrangement of Earth flowers. They must have been expensive to locate on the Citadel. It was a collection of wildflowers in all shades of blue, purple, and white, her favorite colors. She loved wildflowers, the way they looked so unbound and chaotic instead of neat and orderly like roses. Who could have known that? Then she noticed the small piece of paper attached to the clear glass vase. It was short but handwritten in a scrawl that she instantly recognized with a tightening in her chest. Kaidan.

_Happy birthday, Delta._

She let out the breath she hadn't realized she had been holding and sank down onto the sofa, staring at the vase of flowers. She felt heavy all of a sudden as memories and responsibilities came flooding back to her: Ilos, Horizon, and the Reapers who were still coming without pause and would never stop unless she found a way to make them.

…and then the two men she loved.

Damn it.


End file.
